Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
