are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
