Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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