I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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