I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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