i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
