what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
