I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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