fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
