Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
