i wish my penis had a tongue
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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