You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
