Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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