I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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