It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
be right there i have to get my cape
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
