got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
