For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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