There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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