When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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