so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
