O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
