I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
