Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
