I wish I could punch you in the face.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
