my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
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Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
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The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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