Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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