It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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