Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
