i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
