Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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