its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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