he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
