I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
