I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
