found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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