Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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