Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
