so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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