I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
