u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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