My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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