my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
