If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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