We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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