and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
