it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
