I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
