worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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