Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
