and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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