I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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