god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just tell him i said nine months
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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