How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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