I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
