2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
