I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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