apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
