if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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